August 2007

I Walk Away

I walk, I walk away-I walk away and I don’t think about the way things could’ve been or should’ve been, what I’ve missed,what I’ll be missing or where I’m supposed to go from here- I don’t think about what went wrong or what I’m losing or if there’s anything to be lost at all-

there’s no thinking about it, there’s no hedging my losses, no regretting what wasn’t or isn’t or what’ll never be. That’s my way, that’s what I do. I walk away, I pack my bags and I walk away and I don’t look back and I never ever hold onto anything, not a picture or a memory or a voice or a moment spent swinging on porches, swinging on splintered porches, not a thing, not a night, not a palm, not a breath of heat, not a thing, not ever, never, but now, now

now I’m looking back. Now I’m looking back and I’m holding on and I’m thinking about what I’ve lost and what I had and what I’ll never have again. I’m thinking about the way things should’ve been and could’ve been about the way things were, thinking about the impenetrable tragedy of the thing- It’s pathetic, pathetic, I’m sick with it

I’m sick with it really, all split and fragile, sad, I don’t know why, I don’t know why,-it was nothing, it was nothing really, just another man in another time in another place, nothing, but I’m sad with it, sad with it really, I’ve got miles of rope, miles of fat rope binding wrists and arms binding mind and soul to the memory of the thing, to the hope of the thing. It’s insane, it’s fucking insanity, it’s not what I do.

now I thrash, now I thrash and kick, I thrash and kick and scream and cry and bite at the thing but it won’t give, it just won’t give enough for me to walk, It just won’t give enough for me to pick myself up and walk they way I do, walk the way I always do

I don’t know why, it was nothing, nothing really, just another man at another time in another place, nothing, nothing to speak of nothing special, nothing different than before, nothing to beat me down to this, to lower me to this: woman missing man, woman all fucked up over man, I’m too strong for it, too remote, I don’t care, I never care

I’m the one that keeps her distance, the one that keeps her distance and walks away soundless, no explanation, no cursory excuse, I’m the indifferent woman not that missing woman, not that broken woman burned down to coal, burned down to ash of coal, it’s not the way I do things, I walk, I walk, I walk and I don’t look back, I never look back, not ever and anyways, anyways

anyways it was nothing, nothing really-nothing special, nothing different nothing new, there were no great revelations, no earth bending transcendences, nothing I tell you, it was nothing.

copyright 2007 Danielle Grilli