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My Goodbye |
What are we all doing it for?
I just blinked my eyes
and she was gone.
What did she do it for?
What did she think
right before she died?
I wonder how long god cried,
or how many angels sighed.
Did anyone stop to think?
Did anyone else notice?
She is gone.
I will never again get to hug her
no more visits to B-More,
no more ways to ignore
she is gone.
That just seems so wrong,
so, dispensable.
Now every blade of grass is a memory
of cartwheels and the sun's rays.
As pens dance around my leg
now I can't even beg
for more days,
it won't matter.
No more ways to interpret
her meaningless chatter,
like talking to the Mad Hatter
no one ever understood her.
Did anyone listen?
Did anyone hear her cries?
Couldn't have believed they were all lies.
Gotta throw out all the whys,
I know why see did it.
She was miserable.
So who comforts her now?
Who wipes the tears from her brow?
Will her head ever really be at peace?
Did she scare herself eternally?
She wore her mind
on her body.
She never even tried
to hide...
them.
So now do her scars just
decompose with her body?
Make the world stop!
Someone just go off
and everyone just got lost
in a new bit of drama,
never stopping to think about their karma.
So who judges you when you die?
The bible says
If you kill yourself
it's a mortal sin.
And if you die with a mortal sin on your soul,
you go to hell.
I can't accept that as her fate.
Just can't submerge myself
in that much hate.
For my own peace of mind,
I have to believe...
that pain is dead.
That she is finally resting,
finally understood.
Ya know I always thought someone should have
taken a little more time.
I blamed her parents.
I blamed myself.
I thought maybe love
could bring mental health.
But she was already past that.
Maybe she was,
as they say,
9/18.
Maybe she never really was "mentally right."
Maybe she did try to put up a fight.
Maybe...
I want you to know, Lauren,
you were amazing.
From the way you dispersed your ink
To every thought that you would think,
you were amazing.
When you first arrived
you seemed so distant.
I didn't realize at the time
The most important thing you had forgotten,
was your mind.
My mother called on you once,
"Lauren."
When you didn't respond
she only grew louder,
"Lauren, come here.
I neeeed you!"
From across the house came
your voice booming her name.
"Alexandraaaaa! I will not always be
at your beck and call!"
My sister laughed uncomfortably,
My mother wore a confused expression.
But I knew,
maybe even more than you,
what you meant.
Do you remember when you told me
that we were meant to be together
Because we were both crazy?
I was so scared.
I looked at you
and I saw so much of myself.
The me I'd hid.
The me I'd feared.
I want you to know, Lauren,
I let that part of me die with you.
I had to let it go.
Was still feeding into it when you came around.
Did you feel it?
Is that why you did it?
Were you trying to save me?
I wanted to save you,
you wouldn't let me.
Always wanting to hold me,
making statements so boldly.
When my father and I
took you to the airport,
standing at that counter
you turned to me for support
"I don't want to go."
You cried
like a child,
you looked so pure.
I looked to my dad.
With sad eyes
and loud sighs,
He silenced your cries.
"I know,
but you have to."
If I would have known
that was going to be
the last time you were with me,
I would have thought of something better to say.
But I guess in its own way,
"I love you" was okay.
I like to think,
that on the day your body gave way,
all our crazy demons finally left us,
and I absorbed
all of your beauty.
Now I feel you every morning.
I love you, Lauren.
copyright 2004
Jasmin
Jordan |
