February 2004

The Safest Place

my bed is the safest place in my apartment
because no one is there but me

no one sees my candles my meditations
no one disturbs my dreams
the pop stars that become my concubines

there is no one who pushes my earrings aside
to make room for a watch, a heavy ring

i don't have to get up earlier than i want to
don't have to listen to the stories
the supervisor who will not recognize your brilliance
the father who won't say i love you
the mother who wants to like me, but loves you better

there is no awkward sex to tune
no boxers you leave behind that i wash pretending
that what we have is more than an audition

there is no favorite place you touch
no mysterious childhood you leave out of conversations

there is no first fight
no tears

there is no one i confess to
no one to share my sad story
the one that makes you angry at all men, at himself

there is no story i wipe from your cheek
no rocking embrace through hard times

because my bed is the safest place in my apartment
because no one is there but me

can i tell you how ready i am for a distraction?

someone who holds me when i shake, remembering
instead of a glass of wine
someone who is convinced of my beauty
someone who can convince me


you will read the story on my deepest scar
and not be afraid

you will hold me during my deepest sleep
your touch, my last
because you know that it frightens me to cross over
even with the angels

it will be your large hands
that cup the soft brown of our children
and you will coo and story them to their own safest place
every night, without fail

your lap will hold me generously
and i will warm it
when weary, when loving

of course mama loves him
and brother thinks there is no one higher
but most importantly
when we give to each other
our hearts to keep
it will be the safest place

the temple i have been building for 38 year
the quilt you've been stitching
for your lifetime too

and our babies
the soft candlelight that warms all the colors
of our love together

and come,
you are invited, finally
to the safest place i know
to a love that doesn't smooth away
like sandcastles
to a love that won't slip away
like folds of the moon

but will season instead
grow dense, strong and large
like rings of sequoia
reaching, fearlessly reaching
until all we are
is sunlight and shelter

copyright 2004 Imani Tolliver